I wrote this 08.22.07 (the day before my daughter, Faith, would have turned 9)
***
This is today and today is the very day I found this book.
It was lying face down on my piled-up-with-crap dresser. It looked like one of Benjamin's journals, and I love journals. But, here's what: I never kept one.
So, I find this black notebook today.
It makes me pause. You know pause. Yes?
Pause. Okay. You're sitting on a train trying to imagine the thrill of a few minutes from now when you are barefoot at home posting "spider pig" Amie-sprinkled fun songs on MySpace. You're on this train, and this ain't the South. It's hard to fix a disinterested gaze in mid-air when all the air you see is people-covered. So, you're headed to Albany and there's so much circus and way too many clowns, and then you look up and see this girl.
Pause.
Tu sabe pause? Train to Albany girl. Upside-down black notebook. Same thing - same thing.
Pause.
Pick a color, King James.
Pink.
Pink? Wow. Out of every color, I would not have guessed that.
Just tell me one thing, Boss. Tell me the again the Albany Train Girl story.
Raelynn, I mean, Abby - Jadju's out tonight.
Mama, I probably shouldn't be leaving this message, because by the time you get it and look at the sky, to look at the moon, the circle will be gone.
D? I don't remember playing cards together. Do you? That's a random question. we played something at your uncle's house. Phase 10. With Abby. The 3 of us. I did not know that until today.
It's funny how much of life we forget. Or maybe it's sad.
...But, not for me, because I remember now!
(D shakes his head and looks like he's thinking how-do-I-put-up-with-this-crazy-girl, but all he'll say is, "Goofball!")
Only wisp oils in water vapor magnet purple sky
Bloom afield a murky lot of booming booming sky.
She had on a red top. The best part was her smile because it was so cute, and ... and it was perfect like a little kid's smile.
Plus, she had beautiful lips - they were so full ... and when she smiled?
When she smiled, her eyes lit up.
She was just nice.
... and wasn't intimidating even though she was drop-dead gorgeous.
"That's a random question."
I innocently turn around just when I knew his hate would still be in his glare. I gotta sit real deep in myself at the office these days.
Thirty years. All I can say is I don't know how to stop. Instead, I say Hmph! and I look down my nose & I know that she knows that I've lost. She knows I am naked and thoroughly shamed. I hate her so much cuz she won't look away.
(and then, in green ink at the bottom of the page, I wrote: page 12 of 17 from 2004. maybe I had it write [sic] the first time.)
6 comments:
from 12 of 17, 2004: "...Austin was pretty close to Benjamin & me, but the rest of our group was too close (scratched out 'close' & replaced with 'far') for communicating during the flight."
So, on 08/22, I guess I read through that old Puerto Rico journal and said to myself, "Self..." and then self said,"Huh?" and then I must've said, "Guess I had it write the first time." See, here's the thing. Out of 17 pages of group "Collabowriting" (shout out to bossman), I only scratched out and replaced ONE WORD. So, it looked, at first, like I made ONE MISTAKE. I accidentally said, "[we] were too close for communicating..." and then I corrected it to say "[we] were too far for communicating..." Apparently, something on 08/22/07 made me think I wrote it right the first time. Hmmm...
Only wisp oils in water vapor magnet purple sky
Bloom afield a murky lot of booming booming sky.
***
Only we spoil sin ...
I get it now, Mama
Dear Danny Hammontree, I hope you read this far. I made a doodle out of your name. It's a pig that says, "Hamm I am" on top of a tree. Hamm on tree. I never knew how you knew that I was a victim that so desperately fought for peace, but then I knew you longer and realized that YOU did not know that that is what you saw in me. Thank you for being my angel. Peace. Love.
Hey, Boss, here's the video for First Snow. "Obscure but Meaningful" - like Boo's art club motto - Lol! See, I'm at home in Texas in my blue room at red parish and I'm eating noodles and pie and wearing my favorite reindeer pj's and I'm writing and you're doing and I'm here and you're there and you're composing and you're calling me for inspiration, and when you compose, I write and while you live and go and run and do, I write some more and then, of course, there's all the la ti dah video stuff - warm fuzzy blurry sentimental blah blah crap - and then, it backs up from reality again and then you are you for real real and not for play real and you print out my blog and you give it to the Albany Train Girl (b/c in the video, you knew exactly how to run into her or to have it delivered to her work instead of flowers - ooh, ooh, boss! let's do it that way b/c that's so cute!) and then we can do something real fun and cheesy like give each other high fives and ta dah! skippety hoppety tap dancingly bugs bunny top hat and cane dance and we'll have a hollywood muah goodbye! :) And then, you can have to pee and you'd make ... what's that? what's that? YELLOW SNOW!
I miss PR
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