Amazing Stillness

I am always naked.

I do not read one book at a time.

I do not write one book at a time.

I cannot fit all I want to do into one life. I live them all at once. I am mocked for admitting I want it all. I am scorned for saying I will have it. I am feared for going out and getting it.

I want it all.

I see it all.

I have it all. Everything I’ve ever wanted. I do not have everything you have ever wanted, but you see my coy contentment and you think I must. I just have everything I desire. Me. I. Not them. Not you. None of what I have is stolen. Just accepted. I was last in the party dress queue so they had run out of beautiful party dresses by the time they got to me and I got a crumpled brown paper bag instead of a dress, but since I arrived in a party dress mood, I wear the crumpled brown paper bag as my consolation prize, but you see I’m completely naked. You don’t see my paper bag at all, and no one sees the party dress you ambitiously brazen. I am as naked as I’ve ever been underneath this bag and you can see it in my eyes. I would have worn a barrel with suspenders as long as it made my point glaringly obvious that I am not a product of someone else’s product. I am me.

I do not write one book at a time.

I do not read one book at a time.

I am always naked.

My thoughts, my actions, my visions, my life is lived on many dimensions and I do not think it is required of me to choose one dimension to override the others. Mother does not cool the lover. Beauty does not tame the beast. Clean does not whiten dirty. Famine never lessens feast.

Your life is the one that comforts you, and I would love to hear your story. I have many things to learn and would love to start with learning you. Please get past my rapacious appetite for life and show me who you are. Please acquaint yourself with the beat of my drum so it no longer frightens you. I am only a mirror. You should not be afraid of things inside yourself you do not understand.

I watched my 19-month-old twin boys tonight. I mean, really watched. They wear a constant smile and seem always searching and always finding and I love the energy their father and I transferred to them. I sat in their bedroom floor with a video camera plugged in the wall beside their dresser. I couldn’t move much, but I sat down on the floor as close to their level as the wire would permit. And I watched. I made an effort not to interfere. Not to instruct or discipline or guide.

It is amazing what I learn when I’m still.